Everything I lost in the Forest (English version, all chapters)

Everything I lost in the Forest

Chapter 1

I fell to the ground, still feeling the impact against my jaw resonating against the bones of my face. The taste of blood filled my mouth and for a moment my vision was blurred. I remained lying on the ground, breathing deeply and contemplating the disgrace of my own existence. Knocked out. Reduced to nothing.

So, this was how I had made her feel before.

My abdomen was sore, my eyebrow had an ugly gash and there were several bruises all over my body, but nothing compared to the moral pain I felt now. I closed my eyes, wishing to be absorbed by the darkness, but a buzz of voices around me kept me conscious.

“Why didn’t you defend yourself?” – Her voice had a fury and anger that I had never heard before coming from her. She was definitely not the same person I had fought a few moons ago, but that had already been clear when I looked at her before the fight began. Dark circles framed her green eyes, and if I had seen compassion in them in the past, it was gone. Bitterness was perhaps the word that best defined the image that surrounded her.

“You shouldn’t have done that. I accept my fate.” The other low voice replied.

“Well, but I don’t. I’m tired of losing people. I won’t lose you.” – said the queen, turning her back on everything and heading to the royal cabin.

Even though the blood was washing over my face and blurring my vision, I could see some other Amazons there. They didn’t know what to do, torn between the desire to help me and the fear of upsetting their queen. No problem – I thought – I didn’t even want to get up anyway. I wanted the ground to absorb me. I wanted to disappear. I wanted oblivion.

Finally, help came. I felt a wet cloth wiping my sweaty, blood-stained forehead. I opened my eyes and there she was. The reason for my misfortune: Livia.

No matter how many names they renamed her, to me she would still be the same Livia. The Livia who took my sister. The Livia who tried to kill me. And it’s not like I hadn’t tried. I tried, on more than one occasion, to give up this overwhelming urge for revenge. I tried to let it go. But the idea of ​​having her more vulnerable and unprotected than before was too intoxicating to let go.

“Leave me alone” I hissed, trying to get up and get out of there, but falling again when I felt all my strength drain away.

“If I leave you here, by the end of the day, we’ll have a funeral pyre burning in the middle of the village and I know Gabrielle will never forgive herself.”

——-

I don’t remember in detail how I was removed from there and transferred to the tribe’s infirmary wing. I believe I oscillated between unconsciousness and semi-consciousness for a long time. I remember feeling careful hands applying cold poultices to different spots on my body, being forced to sip small sips of various bitter teas and being cleaned and fed every day. It was only on the third day that I became clearly aware that the person responsible for this care was her, Livia. I felt angry.

“You mock my pain” I grumbled bitterly, still unable to get up. A tear, not of sadness, insisted on running down the corner of my eye.

“Varia, listen. I don’t think it’s any help for me to try to justify myself here. I know I ruined your life in irreparable ways, and I’ve never asked for forgiveness, because I don’t think it’s fair to put you in a position where you have to consider forgiving me, when I haven’t forgiven myself for all the bad things I’ve done in the past. But I understood that my death would be of no use in solving this, as it would deprive me of trying to do some good while I could try to balance things out. My mother taught me that, and I regret that she couldn’t understand it herself in the end.”

“I’m sorry too” I said sincerely, despite my anger.

It was true. Even though Xena had frustrated me countless times, even though our relationship had been troubled by my overwhelming hatred for Livia and we didn’t always see eye to eye, I respected the warrior Xena was. And it was a shame that the world had lost her the way it had, and even though my feelings for Gabrielle at that moment were a mixture of shame and bitterness, I worried about the future our tribe would have if Gabrielle couldn’t find the strength to return to being the fair and compassionate warrior she had always been.

It was not that I doubted her strength or her military ability. I had had proof that she was still intact, which had been made quite clear by recent events. When I kidnapped Livia and brought her to the Amazon camp to give her a proper trial without interference, I had not imagined that Gabrielle would return from her journey as quickly as she did, much less that after exhausting days on the road she would have the strength to dismount her horse and fly like lightning towards me. It seemed as if the shape of her knuckles was still on my jaw. No, the warrior was still there. But now there was something ruthless in her, which grief had awakened.

“Leave us” I heard the harsh voice echo in the tent. I looked to the side and there she was. Livia sighed, knowing that there was no point in protesting and left the room.

Her eyes were cold and emotionless.

“Three times you tried to execute Eve, and three times you failed.” She addressed me. “It’s a shame you didn’t learn anything. That adds up to a total of 4 attempts against the Amazon Nation…”

“I don’t understand, my queen.” I said, a little confused.

“Varia, Varia…” there was a hint of cynical indulgence in her voice “There are many things you don’t understand. You are a stubborn and immature child, but what makes things worse is that unlike a real child, you are a threat to your people. You see… You tried to kill me in the middle of our battle against Bellerophon. You tried to execute your queen behind her back…”

Painful shame hit me. It was true that I had tried to do that to save the rest of the Amazon Nation in the heat of battle, but it had been a stupid decision.

“Forgive me” my voice came out with difficulty.

“Oh no, no. I had already forgiven you at the time. Honestly, I didn’t care so much about myself at the time, but I must say my perspective has changed a bit recently. Nevertheless, your attempted murder adds to the three occasions you tried to execute Eve without giving her a fair trial. What you don’t know is that Eve is an Amazon princess, Varia. Well, few people know, but when she was a baby, I gave her my rite of caste.”

“And then she almost annihilated the Amazon nation, selling them into slavery.” I said through gritted teeth.

“Under the command of Ares, the same Ares you allied with to try to kill her. Very noble of you, isn’t it? No… Not noble. Stupid, I guess that’s the most appropriate word for someone so self-centered that she barely realized she had become a toy in the hands of an equally stupid god.”

Right. Another punch, this time right in my ego. There was no reason for me to hate Gabrielle, because she was right. That doesn’t mean I felt good about her words.

“Amazon Law makes it clear that any attack on your queen or the Amazon princess outside a formal challenge is punishable by execution, Varia. Luckily for you, I am not a fan of following those laws to the letter, as you know. Call me progressive if you will…”

“I accept my sentence. Execute me.” That’s what I wanted after all, emptiness and oblivion. Perhaps it was the only thing that could ease my pain at this moment.

“You will be banished instead. I sentence you to exile in the forest of Kalamiaris, where you must spend four moons, without your weapons and without any protective equipment. If you survive, you may return to the tribe if you wish. If you do not wish to return, you may live the life you want, but you must never set foot on Amazon territory again. And Varia, do not try to cheat. I will know.”

Chapter 2

Day 1 of exile.

I heard the loud sound of the camp gate slamming shut behind me and I felt like nothing would ever be the same again. Three weeks had passed since Gabrielle had pronounced my sentence. She had been kind enough to wait for me to recover before throwing me to my own devices. The feeling of loneliness was as overwhelming as the day I lost my sister, because I knew that even if I survived the exile, I would never have the courage to return and look my Amazon sisters in the eye. I had failed and I was alone.

The walk to the vast forest was long and took me several hours. Being embraced by the darkness between the trees made my stomach churn. Artemis would not help me, because she was dead. I felt disgust for Ares. And the other gods that had been spared by Xena would be useless this time. Finding shelter before nightfall was my best chance and so I continued.

By the Gods, it was hard to get some vines to come loose from the trees without any kind of blade. I could only get small branches by breaking them, but they were too irregular to try to build a miserable hut. I swear I tried, but in the end my hands ended up too sore to keep trying and resigned, I set fire to the few branches I had managed to get, so that I could at least keep myself warm at night and scare away any wild animals. I ended up falling asleep, overcome by exhaustion from the hours of work and frustration.

Day 2

At dawn, I got up and tried to improvise some traps to try to catch some game that could keep me fed for the next few hours. It was all extremely rudimentary, because without tools there was not much I could do. I left them set and after hydrating myself a little with water from the stream, I went back to my attempt to build shelter. By my calculations, I wasted half a day building a poor attempt that seemed ready to collapse at any moment. I didn’t catch any game, but I did find some fruit from a bush, which I wasn’t entirely sure was edible, but with no other option, I ate it. The merciless wind put out the fire and took away what I had called the “roof” a few hours earlier. My body was shaking violently. At some point, tiredness overcame me, and I fell asleep.

Day 3

My head was pounding. I was angry, hungry, thirsty and exhausted. I decided to go deeper into the forest in the hope of finding something to eat and maybe a cave where I could take shelter. I walked aimlessly, using a straight branch for support. The lack of sleep made me feel unalert and I stumbled several times. What kind of Amazon am I? If Artemis were alive, she would be ashamed of me. I managed to improvise some water bottles with bamboo segments and at least I managed to stay hydrated during the day, but my stomach growled, complaining about the lack of food. I gather some roots that I know are edible, but they are bitter as bile and my throat complains. I make new traps, but my luck worsens. A pouring rain begins abruptly, and I am caught without shelter in the freezing downpour. Everything is wet now, and I cannot even light a fire. My traps have been washed away. May the remaining gods have mercy on me.

Day 4

I feel as if I had transcended the cold the night before. I shivered so much that I thought my insides had turned to jelly, but I was awakened by a blazing sun that felt as if Apollo himself had embraced me. My throat was dry as sand. I drank some water and began my walk, going deeper into the forest. I began to carve small marks on my improvised staff to keep track of how many nights had passed. At least when I perish and someone finds the marked wood, they will see that I tried. The forest was strangely silent, save for the occasional song of a few birds. There was something oppressive about this place that seemed to be beginning to suffocate me. I heard fallen branches breaking somewhere in the woods and felt something stalking me. Was it some beast willing to put an end to my suffering? Or some small animal that could become my first decent meal? Maybe it was just delirium due to the weak condition I found myself in. The sound stopped.

The wood was too wet to burn. By Hades, another cold night ahead. I found some edible seeds in a clearing and ingested them as if they were ambrosia.

Early hours of Day 5

I made a terrible mistake eating those seeds. Or maybe the water in the stream was contaminated with something brought in by the rain. My stomach throbs and my head is burning. Sleeping on top of wet leaves doesn’t help either. My whole body shivers. I feel a hand hold my shoulders in place. I try to see with my blurred vision, but there’s no one. I’m delirious.

Day 5

I wake up feeling weak.

Huge leaves cover my body. There’s a bonfire lit near me, and a rabbit is being roasted on a piece of twig. My water bottles are full. I crawl over to the bonfire and devour the roast as if it were the biggest feast I have ever eaten. I drink a lot of water too. I feel a bit of dignity and health taking over my body. Next to the bonfire there is a very sharp, pointy shard of stone. It’s obsidian. I feel confused wondering who had done all this, but whoever left it here has just leveled the odds a little. With my new tool it’s much easier to cut the vines and branches that I need. I still feel a little weak, but little by little my strength is returning. I manage to make some traps that I believe will be more effective than the first ones.

Day 6

The night before I managed to make a slightly more solid shelter and have a slightly better night’s sleep. I wake up feeling a little better. I go down to the stream and take a restorative bath. I check my traps and find two birds, which became my meal. I roast them and save one for later. I come to the conclusion that now that I am stronger, I should really go out and look for a cave, because if it rains again, I’ll find myself in trouble. I gather my improvised blade, my water bottles and the food I prepared and start walking. Halfway through my journey, I hear something breaking the dry branches on the ground again. I look back quickly and see nothing. A breeze blows as if mocking me. I shake my head and keep walking.

Night of  Day 6

I find what I was looking for. My thighs burn with exhaustion, but I exhale with relief. I try to walk to the entrance of the newly found cave, knowing that I have a few hours to build a fire before the cold of the night sets in mercilessly. When I take a step towards the clearing that marks the entrance to the cave, I feel my head spinning. Something firmly holds my ankle and throws me upwards. My body hurts, swinging in the air while a rope tightens around my ankles. Idiot – I think. – I became the prey.

“Amazon…” a medium-sized man with rotten teeth and ragged clothes hissed. Maybe his clothes were in poor condition, maybe it was intentional to camouflage himself. I didn’t know.

“I really like Amazons.” He placed the blade on my neck and slid it down to my breasts. I tried to move, but I knew that if I did, it could make things worse, so I stopped. My improvised blade was in my boot, out of reach, so as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t stick it in that filthy pig’s throat. I would have to leave that for later. I recognized that type; man-hunters were becoming very common around Amazon territory, whether acting alone or in packs. Without Artemis’ protection, they believed that they had become an easy target for their sport. It was one of the reasons why I had stupidly tried to make a deal with Ares.

The hunter tied my hands behind my body and cut the rope that held my feet, making me fall painfully. I tried to get up and run, but without my arms free, all I did was fall face down on the ground. I felt him approaching me from behind and holding me, his filthy body pressed against mine. I closed my eyes. What a ridiculous end. A few days ago, I wanted to die, but I never wished for this.

Suddenly the weight of that grotesque man’s body was lifted off me. But not slowly or of his own accord. From the dull thud I heard, I realized that he had been thrown to the ground violently. I heard something breaking. I managed to roll to the side and turn around, only to see that it was a forearm.

“Now get out of here if you don’t want me to break all the other bones in your body,” shouted a furious voice.

I blinked a few times, trying to understand if I was delirious or if my eyes were really seeing what they were seeing.

“Livia?” I whispered.

She sighed, a little frustrated. Taking a knife from her waist, she cut the ropes that tied my hands.

“You should have killed him.” I said a little softly.

“Maybe. But I don’t do things that way. Not anymore.”

“Why are you here?”

“Apparently to save you” her voice mixed calm and a little cynicism. It was undoubtedly a perfect mix of Xena and Gabrielle. “Come.” She held a torch that she had left stuck in the ground while she was beating up the bandit who attacked me and led me into the cave. There she quickly made a fire and went out to look for fodder for the hard, cold stone floor. She came back with dry grass and spread it on the floor. “It’s not the best bed, but I think you’ll rest a little better today. Take care of yourself, Varia. Don’t let yourself be captured, okay? Gabrielle doesn’t want that.”

She turned her back on me and left the cave. I blinked a few times, trying to make sense of what had just happened, and then I took off in an awkward run – or whatever I could muster – to catch up with her.

“Wait a minute” I shouted. It was useless, she didn’t stop. She continued walking with her torch towards the dense trees, without explanation. “LIVIA, COME BACK HERE.” I shouted again. Nothing.

I tried to walk after her, but I still felt weak and in pain.

“Come back here!”  I shouted again “EVE!” She stopped. She turned slowly and came back. She looked into my eyes, waiting. I tried to hold her gaze, but I couldn’t and looked away. “Does Gabrielle know you’re here?” I finally ask.

“No. And she won’t know.” I waited for more words, but they didn’t come.

“Why did you save me?”

It took her a while to answer and she laughed a little sadly.

“Seriously, Varia? Do you think I would let you become that guy’s prey?”

“I mean… I actually wanted to know why you’re here.”

“Just be grateful that I’m here. I’m leaving now, okay? I won’t bother you.”

“Liv…Eve? Please… I…” I shook my head in confusion, trying to make sense of it. “Were you following me? The obsidian blade, the rabbit… Was it you?”

She replied with a crooked, embarrassed smile and shrugged.

“It was the right thing to do. Eli would…”

“Forget Eli. If Gabrielle knows you helped me, she’ll punish me, and she’ll punish YOU.”

“I know how to deal with Gabrielle.”

“But I don’t. I don’t want you to ruin my trial.” I said a little louder than I intended, which probably sounded like a yell.

Livia looked at me for a few minutes. I couldn’t read her expression very well. Her calm and soft speech weren’t exactly revealing her intentions.

“Would you rather have died, or maybe become that guy’s sex slave?” she said finally.

I don’t answer. Should I thank her? I just want to disappear. I don’t know how to deal with the things I’m feeling right now. The huge frustration of not being able to do ANYTHING about the hatred I still feel for her. The feeling of failure that overwhelms me when I realize that everything I’ve done has served no purpose other than self-sabotage. The urge to cry in the fetal position for hours.

“I’m leaving” she says.

“Wait.” I say, uncertain as to why I even said it. “Y-you shouldn’t go into these dark woods with this guy out there. We don’t know if he’s alone.”

“You think I don’t know how to defend myself?” she asked, not with irritation, but with a defiant smile. “Are you worried about my safety, Varia?”.

The outrage. Of course not. Why would I worry about her integrity? The one person I’ve wanted to see dead so many times?

“Gabrielle would go crazy if something happened to you. Spend the night here at least.” I answer.

She smiles. It annoys me. A lot. But I don’t say anything. She approaches the fire and starts poking it with a twig. I take the little food that is left and that was stored in my things and do the decent and expected thing to do, I offer her a little. She refuses. Ridiculous.

I lean against the hard rocks of the cave and try to find a comfortable position to spend the night. I don’t remember anything else.

Day 7

I wake up with a jerk. The fire is weak, and I find some fruit arranged on a large leaf near it. My water bottles are full. There is no sign of Livia, though. I sit down near the fire and eat some of the fruit. Well, now at least I have a safe place and a weapon. Maybe I should feel grateful instead of bitter.

I need to hunt. As much as the fruit has nourished me, the need for meat is evident to maintain my physical condition.

I go out into the woods and collect some materials to make a simple bow. Making it functional will be the next step, but in the meantime, I try to stay hydrated and get plenty of rest to conserve energy. With the little food I have eaten in the last few days, every unnecessary step I take is a waste of energy that may be needed later.

Day 8

I wake up determined to get food. Sustaining food that will restore my strength and stop me from feeling dizzy every time I get up.

I go out into the woods with the arrows I made the night before and I get lucky. I manage to kill two small rodents, but I know it’s not enough either. If I can get a couple of birds, I might have enough for about 4 days.

I roast the game I caught and decide to wait until nightfall. Some animals are nocturnal, and it’ll be easier to find them. The weather will also be less hot, and I’ll be able to lose less body fluid.

Night of Day 8

I aim my arrow at a nocturnal bird that sits on a rock to sip the water I strategically placed as a lure on a bamboo segment. I manage to successfully kill it by shooting an arrow into its chest. I take the bird to the stream to clean it with the help of the moonlight. I’m fed, but I have to roast it now so it doesn’t go bad.

I’m finishing getting rid of the guts when I’m knocked into the water. A wild cat, obviously attracted by the smell of blood, jumps at me, snatching the game from my hand. It’s not a very big animal. I try to fight it off by hitting it with my bow, since I don’t have enough distance to shoot. It scratches my arm deeply and I retreat. The beast runs away with my food. By Hades.

Early hours of Day 9

I try to keep the wound clean as best I can and make a poultice with some macerated roots and herbs. It lessens the pain, but it’s not pretty.

I don’t feel very well.

Day 9

I go out in the morning to look for more food. I find some fruits and their sugar gives me a little more energy. I go to the creek because I decide to take my chances and try to catch something to eat. I try to aim at the fish and shoot them, but my vision is a little blurry and my bow is damaged from trying to hit the cat. Resigned, I settle for a small crab that will be my breakfast today. Very little protein. I drink a lot of water, but I feel exhausted. I end up lying down on a rock near the river and I’m overcome by fatigue. I feel my face burning with fever and I look at my arm. Purulent secretion comes out of it. This is not good at all. I close my eyes and sigh deeply.

When I open them, Marga is in front of me. I sit up in a startled, emotional state and my eyes fill with tears.

“You’re alive!”

“You’re alive, Varia.”

“What’s left of me…”  I say sadly. “I missed you so much, mother.”

“You grew up without me. I understand that it was difficult, but it was necessary. However, it’s not over”

“I lost everything. I don’t know what to do.”

“You need to die.”

“Die? I don’t understand… but I accept it. Dying would end my pain”

“No. Not like that. You need to die so that the real Varia can be reborn. Your thirst for revenge, your hurt, your bitterness, need to die so that you can be an Amazon again.”

“I don’t know how to do this, Marga. I want to stay here with you. I have no one else. I accept my death.”

“But I don’t” she said, slapping me in the face.

I opened my eyes. Marga wasn’t there. Livia was. She was going to slap me again, but I raised my hand, stopping the blow as best I could. Her eyes widened in surprise, and she smiled.

“Hello. Welcome back” she said simply. I realized it wasn’t exactly a slap, but just an attempt to wake me up. My weakened body felt the blow coming harder than it was.

“What are you doing here?”

“I think it has become a habit. You have a peculiar talent for getting in trouble. Like lying unconscious on the edge of a river under a scorching sun, with a fever and an infected wound.”

I look at my arm. There is a leaf tied to it and a strange tingling sensation in the wound.

“What did you do?”

“War medicine.”

A small larva fell out of the improvised bandage.

“YOU DID WHAT????” I exclaim, tearing off the ties and revealing a bunch of larvae stuck to my flesh.

“Calm down. The larvae ate the infected tissue, preventing the infection from spreading. Just take them off and wash the wound now.”  She says, stretching my arm and pouring water over it.

I have to admit that the wound looks much better.

“I’ll stay with you until I’m sure you’re out of danger. If you lose consciousness again, you could become prey for some animal.”

“Wait, how did you find me? Are you following me?”

She doesn’t answer. She just gives a little smirk as if admitting that she’s been caught.

“Gabrielle won’t like this.”

“Gabrielle isn’t the person you think she is, Varia. Gabrielle isn’t fine, but her normal self is kind, compassionate and above all, wise. She may be ruthless, but she would never let an innocent person die.”

“And are you fine?” I ask, genuinely curious. I understand that Gabrielle lost her soulmate, but Liv… I mean, Eve, lost the mother she had just gotten back.

“Learning about Eli makes me deal with the loss in a different way. It hurts and I feel like a great injustice has been done, but I’m more worried about my other mother right now. I wish I could do something to help her.”

“Are the rumors true… Xena chose this?”

“Yes. Against all of Eli’s teachings” she said, twisting her lips with a sad look. “She said that the only way I could forgive myself would be staying alive and balance things out by fighting for the greater good. Sometimes I get annoyed by her hypocrisy, but I still love her.”

“Is that why you’re here? Are you trying to balance things out by keeping me alive?”

“Does that bother you?”

“It reminds me all the time of my own stupidity and incompetence.”

“I’m sorry about that.”  she says and laughs. I can’t help but laugh at my own misfortune.

“Varia, I owe you.  And I owe Gabrielle too, because Xena gave birth to me, but Gabrielle has also given me life countless times. I don’t want you to die and I don’t want Gabrielle to have to live with this. But it’s not just about making amends. I really care about both of you.”

“Why?”

“Do we need a reason? Sometimes it’s just how we feel.” she sighs “I’ll never be an Amazon. It wouldn’t be fair for me to become one and it’s not what I want. But someone needs to take care of this tribe. Gabrielle is in no condition to do that right now. And the other Amazons…”

“They’re a bunch of immature children.”

“I wouldn’t say that, but…”  she laughed. “That’s why you need to go back.”

“I’m no better than them. Look at the mistakes I’ve made.” I say, and then I realize she probably doesn’t even know that I almost shot Gabrielle with an arrow at Bellerophon’s command.

“It’s okay. We’re all a work in progress. Are you going to compare mistakes with me, Varia?”

“I hate Ares,” I think. In the end, he’s responsible for this whole series of misfortunes that happened in both my life and Eve’s. Eve… I realize that for the first time I thought of her as Eve, in a natural and non-ironic way. I look at the handle of my improvised staff with the marks I made.

“I feel stupid. In almost 10 days I’ve barely been able to eat, and I’ve almost died several times. I’m no reference for any Amazon.”

“You ask too much of yourself, Varia. You went into exile convalescing from countless injuries and without any resources. Remember that you’re only human.”

For a moment I remember the reason behind my injuries, and I feel ashamed.

“Eve, I need to apologize.”

“No need. Focus on recovering and completing the remaining three moons of exile.”

“No, listen. I know the things you did, and I know why you did them. I tried to kill you three times, because I thought it was the only way to make peace with myself. I felt I owed it to my sister.”

“It’s okay.”

“You never fought back. Even though you had the strength to tear me apart. I know that.”

“My death wouldn’t bring her back. But fighting back was never in my plans. That would mean hurting you, or worse. That’s why I always accepted my sentence.”

“How can you live with this kind of peace and selflessness? All I feel is emptiness. I don’t hate you anymore, I just feel… empty.”

“Empty may be good. It means there’s room to be filled.”

Day 10

“Are you sure Gabrielle doesn’t know you’re here?” I ask, biting into a piece of fruit while Eve is busy braiding a vine. I woke up recently from a good night’s sleep and without a fever. My vision is less blurry, and my head has stopped wanting to explode.

“No. But she couldn’t forbid me from being here. The forest is no man’s land.”

She has a valid point. But that wouldn’t include being my babysitter or my guardian angel.

“Wandering around the forest doing charity work for stray Amazons has become your hobby?”

“Only when they have gorgeous brown eyes. It hasn’t happened a lot.”

What just happened here? Did she say what I think she said? Did she compliment me for no reason or was she… flirting? The next thing I knew, I had my hand on my cheek, trying to feel if it had gotten hot or if it was just an impression. I shook my head. My bow had broken when I hit the wildcat with it. I needed a new weapon. I took the obsidian blade and began to sharpen the tip of my staff to turn it into a spear so I could fish.

Eve stood up and lifted the vines she was braiding, revealing a meticulous fishing net.

“As soon as your wound heals, I challenge you to a fishing competition.”

“Do you intend to stay here for that long?”

“I believe it’ll be a lot better in about two days.” she said walking away.

“Where are you going?” I ask impulsively, a little afraid.

“To say my prayers” she answered, leaving.

I decide to go for a walk along the stream. The weather is pleasant, although the day is hot and humid, a cool breeze enters the forest making it less oppressive. But when I think about it, I realize that what made it less oppressive was Eve’s presence. I had been used to living among the Amazons since I was born. It was strange to feel the loneliness I had felt in the last few days. The silence contrasted with the noisy turmoil inside my head, but now things seemed a little more… quiet. Like a battlefield after a fight, except that the battle had been mine against my ego and my guilt.

For the first time, I felt my shoulders relax. It was as if a huge stone had been lifted off my shoulders. Was this what it meant to feel good?

It had been difficult to accept Eve’s help. I’d spent too much time hating Livia, and an inner voice told me that it would be weak to let myself be taken care of by the target of my hatred. She had frustrated me so many times, even keeping me alive when I wanted to die, but it was liberating to let go of that feeling. Yes, I guess I could say that she had managed to make me want to survive my exile.

Day 11

I sigh in frustration as I sit on a rock next to the stream. My wound is much better, but it hasn’t healed completely yet, so it would be stupid to get it wet or risk reopening it. I feel like a dead weight because I can’t get in the water and get a meal.

Eve approaches casually with her new fishing net and without hesitation takes off the sari she was wearing, leaving only her underwear on. She jumps into the water and swims to a small island of rocks in the middle of the current. She deftly climbs up onto the rocks, balancing herself and looking intently at the water, ready to cast the net. The sun shines on her semi-tanned body, making the drops of water that run off sparkle brightly. I observe her body curiously. She’s not particularly muscular like many Amazons. There’s a slightly slender but strong aspect to her. Strong enough to break a warrior’s bones without much effort. I think it’s a little less curvy than mine, but I find myself caught up in her skillful movements, jumping from rock to rock. She finally catches her prey. She takes the fish out of the net and throws it in my direction.

“Your lunch.” she says, smiling proudly, realizing that she woke me up from a kind of trance. She seemed pleased by that.

“How did you learn to do that?” I change the subject, referring to her fishing skills, hoping that the casualness of the conversation will make my face return to its normal color. I know that Xena was excellent at fishing according to the legends, but I don’t think Eve had time to learn from her.

“With the Elijians. They feed mainly on fish. It’s rare for them to hunt large beasts.”

“Do you miss them?”

“Sometimes.” she says, throwing another fish and then swimming to land “But my mission changed recently. When I heard about what happened in Japan, I knew that my place was by Gabrielle’s side and not in India. At least for now.”

“So that’s where you got the sari. It suits you very well” I say, referring to the outfit she had taken off a few minutes ago.

“Oh yes. I like how light it is. But it takes forever to dry, so I avoid getting it wet”  She shakes her hair, sprinkling water all over me on purpose and sitting next to me, in the sun, waiting for the warm sun rays to dry her body before putting her outfit back on. I remain silent, unsure of what to say. I notice that my breathing is heavier… And I know she will notice it. Damn. I am speechless for a few seconds, not knowing what to say. Should I thank her for the fish? She had been tireless in providing food and taking care of me. And that was something I wasn’t entirely used to, to be honest. The only person who took care of me was Marga, in a demanding and tough, but maternal way. After she left, the care was only communal, which is what you would expect from a tribe, but nothing that makes you feel like you are the target of any kind of special attention.

“What do you like to do, Varia?” She asks, interrupting my thoughts and making me look at her. I notice that she has laid down on the rock and put an arm over her eyes, shielding her vision from the strong sunlight that is slowly drying her. For a few seconds I am distracted by a drop of water that is making its way from her chest to her navel, hypnotized by the trail the drop makes on her skin, which is slightly goose bumped by the temperature of the water.

“What do you mean?” I ask, a little confused.

“What do you do because you like doing it and not because it is an obligation of the tribe? What is fun for you?”

“I… I don’t know. I guess I’ve never thought about it. My time has always been taken up by duties as an Amazon, or combat training.”

“I know what it’s like.” She said with a little bitterness.

“Not much fun in Rome, then?”

“Oh no. Rome is as inclined to blood as it is to partying. Everything is a reason for a great feast, a great bacchanal or an attraction in the arena. But what I once foolishly thought was fun was just empty. I thought I was having fun, being able to have all the money, the glory, the wine and anyone I wanted in my bed, but in the end I was just a trophy, whether it was Augustus’ or Ares’.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. That life doesn’t exist anymore.”

“And you? What do you like to do?”

“I like to watch insects” she says, surprising me, when I expected some answer related to Elijian customs or something grand “They are so small, but they follow their purpose without realizing it. I think human beings should do the same. Small acts of kindness make a difference in a bigger picture.”

“I like to build things. But I have failed miserably at it, as you can see from my attempts to make traps or shelter.”

“I am perplexed. I would swear that your idea of ​​fun was dancing naked, covered in mud, howling at the moon” She laughed, getting up and getting dressed. I could see on her waist the scar she had shown me in our first interaction, over a year ago. For a moment I remembered how I felt when I exchanged those words with her for the first time in that Amazon hut, how attracted I felt and how quickly the attraction turned to hate, when I knew who she was. I didn’t feel that hate anymore.

I laugh.

“No, Gabrielle has more fun with that. You should ask her. And run away afterwards.” I say a little more relaxed. “But if you want to be sure how much fun it is to howl naked at the moon, covered in mud, all night long, I can show you that, if I ever return to the tribe.”

Eve gives a sly smile and gets up to return to our camp.

“You’ll come back, I know.”

Day 12

I wake up to the first sounds of the morning. It seems it’s very early, because when I look at the cave entrance, there is not much daylight. I look to the other side of what is left of the campfire and realize that Eve is not there. I get up, grab my blade and my staff and take a few steps outside. I feel my ankle being hit and I fall to the ground, falling behind some vegetation.

“Silence” Eve hisses, after purposely knocking me down with a sweep.

“What’s going on?”

She doesn’t answer. She points ahead, showing me a small group of armed men near the trees. Hunters. The dim light of the early hours of the morning makes them almost imperceptible.

“You should have woken me up” I say through gritted teeth. “We can defeat them if we fight together.”

“If we fight, we will need to kill each one of them, because we don’t know who they work for, and that would attract a larger group towards us. It’s not in my plans.”

“I respect your precepts, but I have no problem in ending them. I can handle that part.”

“And then if they have a leader, he will organize an attack against the tribe of wild Amazons who “murdered his men in cold blood.” Possibly making more warriors join his cause. That’s not the kind of publicity you need right now.”

“What do you suggest then?”

“Wait for them to leave.”

“I saw them fishing in the stream yesterday. They can’t have gone very far, they must be in the cave” said a hoarse voice. It was the man who had attacked me days before. He had a splint holding his arm.

“Entering a dark cave without knowing for sure what we will find there? I don’t plan on fighting a bear today. We came after Amazons” answered another.

“If we capture one of them, we can blackmail the Queen into surrendering. It would make everything easier, and we would have fewer casualties.

“I don’t think it will be that easy, look what she did to your arm using only her own hands” said a third.

“Raskar gave the order to patrol and return. Let’s avoid conflict for now. Let’s go.”

I let out the breath I had been holding for a few minutes when they leave. We get up and go back into the cave. It is a little dark, but the rays of sunlight that are beginning to appear in the sky are already shedding some light.

“Gabrielle needs to know about this.” I say.

“Yes. We need to go back to the Amazon camp.”

“I can’t go back. There are still two moons left for my exile to end, Eve. I won’t disobey Gabrielle’s orders. You need to go alone and warn them.”

“No way. I won’t leave you here alone.”

“I appreciate your concern, but I’m in better shape now and I can take care of myself. Go back to camp!” I say a little harsher than intended.

“I don’t follow orders, Varia.” Eve lowers her voice to an almost hoarse whisper, giving me a defiant look. “Either you come back with me, or we don’t.”

I let out a frustrated sigh.

“Listen here, I’m very grateful for everything you’ve done, but I don’t need a babysitter taking care of me.” My voice comes out loud and energetic “There are bigger things at stake now. You already make enough amends, keeping me alive in the name of some greater good doesn’t need to be one of your concerns anymore.”

Eve exhales with an incredulous look, as if I had stated some kind of absurdity. I’m confused for a minute.

“Unbelievable” she mutters, rolling her eyes “How can someone who grew up studying strategy be so oblivious and not see a hand in front of her face?”

“By the gods, what are you talking about?” I reply very annoyed.

“Varia, do you really believe that the reason I’m here is ONLY for amends?” her voice rises for the first time.

“Isn’t that your life’s mission now? Trying to balance things out?” I ask with a bit of sarcasm. I’m confused and annoyed and this makes me get all defensive. “Why else would you be deep in a forest full of dangers trying to keep an incompetent Amazon like me alive for two moons?”

“BECAUSE OF WHAT I FEEL FOR YOU”  Her voice comes out like a roar, and for a few seconds a chill runs down my spine. That roar reminded me of Livia. The real Livia. But the realization of the words that came out of her mouth made that bad feeling dissipate and give more room to confusion.

“Wha…” before I could make another sound, Eve grabs me by the back of the neck with an almost violent movement and presses her lips against mine with urge. I freeze for a few seconds trying to make sense of what is happening, but my body responds for me, holding her by her waist and kissing her back. The awareness of my lack of experience with this type of physical contact haunts me for a moment, but I decide that I will not worry about it right now. I surrender, savoring her lips like a fruit full of nectar, feeling their softness and the comfort they give me as she explores mine. I feel her body pressed against mine and this makes me feel as if fire races under every inch of my skin.

A few minutes pass later she stops, burying her face in my neck, making me feel a very light brush of her lips and her heavy breathing making my skin shiver. A warm wave runs through my body from head to toe. I notice her skin and hair smell like sandalwood. She keeps her forehead against mine while our eyes are closed. I realize that I’m out of breath, but so is she.

“What do you feel for me?”

“Right now, I want to punch you for even having to ask me that. Maybe I’ll consider doing so if you have the audacity to deny that you felt something too.”

“Since that day in the Amazon hut.” I blush a little more than I already had with that kiss. “Eve… I… I can’t go back. I need to earn Gabrielle’s respect again… Please. You have to do this, for the Amazon Nation. I promise I’ll be fine.”

“And how do I forgive myself if something happens to you?”

“You use your rite of caste and lead the entire nation against them” I say, laughing to try to make her feel better, and I end up getting a little punch in the arm. “I’ll be fine. In less than a day you can reach the Amazon camp and then you can go back. I’m stronger, so I can climb trees and stay above the ground. It will be harder to ambush me like that.”

“Promise me you won’t do anything dangerous. I’ll leave my knife with you. Use it if necessary.”

“You can’t go without protection.”

“I can. Believe me. I’m not a nice girl, as you might think.”

I accept, knowing that this is not an argument I’ll win. She turns around and starts walking.

“Hey Eve. Come back in one piece, please. We have a lot to talk about.”

She just smiles and leaves me. I climb the nearest tree and am pleased to see that the dense forest will finally be an advantage. With its extensive network of branches, I will be able to move completely stealthily.

——

A few hours have passed since Eve left me. I head a little deeper into the forest to survey the area. I see signs of a recent camp in a clearing in the middle of it. This means the hunters have been searching the area for us. I wonder where they are now, but it doesn’t take long for me to figure it out. A cloud of thick smoke rises on the horizon, and I hear several flocks of birds fleeing screaming. Damn. I knew what this meant, it wasn’t the first time I’d found myself in this situation, but this time Xena wasn’t there to catapult me ​​to safety. I know their strategy consists of setting fire to the other end of the forest and trapping us between two walls of fire. I can only pray to the gods that Eve is safe, already close to the Amazon camp.

My best chance is to head straight west of the forest, trying to move along a straight line of trees and avoid getting trapped between two walls of fire.

My ears perk up. I hear crackling coming from the other side, behind the cave where I took shelter. The second fire has started. I try to hurry, being careful to jump from branch to branch, but the wind starts to flood the forest with smoke, making it difficult to see. I am a little above the smoke, but even so, the smell of burning green wood makes my throat and my eyes burn.

I struggle to go forward several yards. I know that I am getting close to the meadow that separates the forest from the Amazon territory. I will need to get down and get out of there. Unfortunately, it seems that I have no choice; my exile will end sooner.

A commotion with several wild animals is going on below me. Numerous deer, wild pigs and smaller animals have fled to save themselves, raising a cloud of dust that mixes with the density of the smoke. I find it difficult to breathe, which makes me increasingly dizzy and makes my aerial navigation dangerous. I decide to jump from the last tree to the grass, when something catches my attention. I thought I was hallucinating because of the smoke, but I wasn’t.

“EVE!”  I shout from above. She’s at the entrance to the forest, trying to cover her face with a piece of her sari in the middle of that mess of smoke, dust and fleeing animals.

“VARIA, WATCH OUT.”

I instinctively jump to the ground, before two incendiary arrows hit me. A group of three men immediately surround us, their faces covered by fabric. I throw Eve her knife and pull out my obsidian shard. Eve delivers her famous move to one of the men and sends him flying. I manage to immobilize a second man, applying an armlock until he faints, but when I get up, the third charges in my direction and I lose my balance on the slope that separates the forest from the meadow. We end up rolling a few meters into the middle of the trees in a frantic physical fight. Eve screams my name and tries to get to us, but the smoke is too thick and makes it difficult to see. The hunter tries to put a blade to my throat, but I grab his arm, trying to deflect it.

“VARIA, where are you????” I notice Eve trying to feel the ground to get to me, without any vision, but I can’t scream. The soot and smoke burn my throat. I suddenly have an idea. With my free arm I start to pull the cloth that covers the hunter’s face to the point of almost strangling him. I cover my own nose with it, blocking some of the smoke, enough to catch my breath to push my body and get that man off me. I push him hard enough to send him staggering forward, but he ends up close to Eve who is blind and disoriented by the smoke she breathed.

“EVE, to your right!” I manage to catch my breath to scream. I only see her strike blindly and hit the man in the stomach with the knife. He falls, grabbing her arm and dragging her to the ground. Even though he’s bleeding heavily, he finds the strength to clasp his hands around her neck.

“I can die, but I’ll fall as the one who killed the Bitch of Rome.”

I fly. Everything is a blur. The last thing I see is my obsidian blade ripping through his throat.

“Show some respect, you bastard” I hiss, throwing his lifeless body aside.

Eve’s body lies inert.

Gabrielle would kill me, but I’ve already died inside.

Sunset of Day 12

I make a huge mental effort not to give into exhaustion. With each breath, I hear a high-pitched wheeze coming out of me and my heart beats like a war drum. I try to fight the mental confusion and focus on my task.

In my arms, I carry Eve, unconscious. Her pulse is extremely weak, so I know that every second is precious to reach the Amazon camp. My legs feel like they want to give out with every passing minute, but I continue my staggering steps through the grass of the meadow.

In the past, all I wanted was to see the one I considered my enemy dead. Now, the thought of losing her felt like tearing a piece of me apart. My vision wavers, blurring and darkening. I try harder to stay awake, focusing on the loud cracks of trees engulfed by the flames I left behind. Suddenly I see hope on the horizon and my ears pick up the sound of furious trotting. Emerging ahead is a squad of horsewomen led by Gabrielle. They ride furiously towards me. When they get close enough, my knees give way and I kneel on the grass, still holding Eve in my arms. Gabrielle dismounts, with distress in her eyes, and runs towards me.

“Forgive me,” I say quietly before she can say a word. “Forgive me, my queen.” I can’t hold back the tears. My cry is desperate as I hug Eve’s inert body. Gabrielle quickly places her fingers on her neck trying to feel her pulse and exhales with some relief when she detects a weak but still perceptible hear beat. She closes her eyes with an expression of internal conflict for a few minutes. When she opens them, she turns to me with deep seriousness.

“We don’t have time to waste. Varia, can you ride?” I nod positively. “You and Rani take Eve back to camp. Eris and I will each split up with a squad around the forest area to find the bandits.”

“How did you know?” I whisper weakly.

“I know everything that happens in Amazon territory, Varia. It’s my role as queen.”

Gabrielle knelt next to me and took Eve’s hand in hers.

“Be well, my daughter.” he said, kissing Eve’s hand and then leaving to mount and ride with the other Amazons.

Rani helps me put Eve on a horse, which she herself mounts, and we head to the Amazon camp.

Dawn of Day 13

I wake up with a start and instinctively take a deep breath. My throat burns as if the air were stinging it. I cough a little before I can regain my senses and realize that at some point on the way to the camp, I must have lost consciousness. I look around and realize that I am in the Amazon infirmary, the same place I had been more than a month before.

I look around and Eve is not there. I feel my insides twisting, fearing the worst. I hear a commotion coming from outside and with difficulty I get up to look. Several injured Amazons are being taken to the infirmary where I am. I see Eris in the central part of the camp, supervising a funeral pyre that is being built. My heart stops for a moment and I realize that Gabrielle is not there.

“Eris!!!” I try to shout, but my voice comes out as a weak hiss. She looks at me with a sad expression and nods her head, indicating the queen’s hut. I stagger towards it, with growing despair, and enter.

The first thing I see is Gabrielle, with her back to me, sitting next to a bed. I get closer, with difficulty, to be able to see. Eve is there, unconscious. I fall to my knees where I am, unable to contain a desperate cry, of pain, of relief, overwhelmed by the emotions I feel right now. One of my Amazon sisters was dead, I didn’t know who she was, and that should make me mourn, but would it be such a great sin for me to be overcome by such overwhelming relief that that pyre was not for Eve or Gabrielle?

Gabrielle looks back and sees me there, completely undone in a mixture of blood, soot and tears. She walks over to me, helps me up and hugs me. I didn’t expect that.

“Thank you” she whispers.

I cry on her shoulder for a few minutes until my body can stop sobbing.

“My queen” I say weakly.

“Varia, rest. We’ll talk when everyone is recovered.”

“Eve…is she…”

“She’ll be fine. We’re taking care of it.”

——–

I slept for two days straight, my body gave in to fatigue and injuries sending me into a deep sleep. I woke up only twice to eat and to take the medicine the healer gave me.

I had strange dreams, mixing the figures of Marga and Xena, trying to tell me words that I didn’t understand, but they seemed serene.

I get up feeling a little better. My throat is still scratchy, but my breathing is less heavy. I leave the infirmary and observe the movement outside. Everything seems to have returned to normal. The younger Amazons are gossiping about the battle between the tribe and the hunters, about how they successfully annihilated the group and how one of our sisters, Anira, had fallen honorably in battle to save our Queen from a spear. They tell of how Gabrielle entered the fight ruthlessly and how she led them to victory. My eyes search the royal hut, where I head in the hope of finding Gabrielle and Eve, but when I enter, only the queen is there. -Queen Gabrielle… She looks up from the scroll she was studying at her desk and looks at me.

“I’m glad to see you better, Varia.”

Her face is light. She doesn’t look like the bitter and grieving Gabrielle from a few moons ago. I look down, a little embarrassed.

“But I failed to serve my sentence.”

“I know. And you failed to get through your days of exile on your own too.”

I blink a few times, realizing that those words mean she knew where Eve had been.

“I beg your forgiveness. Please don’t blame Eve.”

“Look, I told you I would know if you cheated. I know EVERYTHING that happens in Amazon territory when I’m ruling it.” Her voice was low and deadly serious.

“I know that nothing I say will give me credibility… My past mistakes testify against me, but…”

“Varia, you’re right. I couldn’t believe your words again. Not without them being proven by your actions.”

“However, I failed with them too.” I sigh sadly, ashamed.

“You failed to fulfill your sentence. But you didn’t fail in the purpose I had for you.”

“I don’t understand.” I say confused. I see that Gabrielle’s gaze is lost as she speaks, looking somewhere behind me, measuring her words.

“When Xena and I met you, you were a strong, impetuous Amazon, full of pride and with an ego the size of Olympus. Marga had a lot of faith in you, and I can see why. But you were given the mission to be a leader before the right time. Your immaturity, stubbornness and obsession with revenge blinded you to such an extent that your focus was no longer on the Amazon nation. Your obsession was to get revenge on Eve, ever since you found her.”

“I don’t want that anymore.”

“I know. But no one could make you give up on that but yourself.” Gabrielle smiled. “For that, the proud Varia had to give way to a Varia who had to accept being helped by who she least expected.”

“How did you know?”

“I may look a little older than you, but in practice, I was born in another time and learned a lot from other people.”

“So it was a plan all along?”  she looks to the side and laughs a little at my tone of voice, which came out a little outraged.

“Eve is finding her way in her mission as a pacifist. There is still a lot to adjust to in the way she acts, and that will come with time. I have been down that path. But I knew she would never let me put you at risk of death, alone, in a forest without any protection, especially if she was indirectly the reason for it. Condemning an innocent person to death is not in her principles. Let’s just say I had to work on a very credulous expression when she told me she would go on a mission to take care of some sick people in Thermopolis.”

I let out a slight smile. There was something funny about all this.

“So your tactic was to confine us both in the same space until we started to understand each other. Without… weapons, to keep me from doing something stupid.”

“I guess it worked, didn’t it? I know these were hard days. I’m sorry about that, but Xena taught me that the best medicines are bitter.”

“How did you find out about the hunters and the fire? Eve left to warn you, but she didn’t make it in time.”

Gabrielle stared into space for a few seconds and smiled.

“Intuition.”  she replied, turning to me again. “Anyway, welcome back to the Amazon Nation. Now I believe you’re ready to be the Varia I need you to be in this place.”

“I don’t…”

“Shh. We’ll talk about this later. Go find your girl. She’s meditating near the creek.”

I look at Gabrielle in disbelief, feel my face blush furiously and try to say something, but Gabrielle just rolls her eyes tediously as if she’s stated something terribly obvious and nods towards the door.

“And I’m sorry about the beating. I hope you didn’t lose any teeth.”

I walk to the creek that supplies the water used in the Amazon camp. Eve is there, sitting under an olive tree, looking completely serene.

I approach cautiously so as not to interrupt her meditation and stop a few meters away. Her eyes are closed, and her hands are positioned to form a strange symbol. I assume it is some kind of Hindu technique she has learned.

I take advantage of the absence of her gaze to analyze every little detail of her gently angled face, the way her hair falls and her well-defined lips. I focus a little longer on this last detail, distracted enough by them not to notice that her eyes are open.

“Hello, Amazon.” she says, giggling “Did you lose anything near the creek?”

Her voice was a little rougher than usual, which was natural considering what had happened before.

“I hope not”  I answered, sitting down next to her. “But I was very afraid of losing. You shouldn’t have come back for me.”

“I came back and we’re both alive. It’s a win-win situation” She answers calmly. “Thank you, my savior.”

“It seems we’ve come full circle, after all.”

“Yes, and what now? Ready to be an Amazon again?”

“You were right. My place is here. But apparently, we were both victims of Gabrielle’s cunning plan.”

Eve lets out a pleasant, relaxed laugh, and ends up coughing a little.

“There’s wisdom even in cunning plans. But don’t blame her entirely. She wasn’t alone in this.”

“You knew everything?”

“No, not me… A certain warrior.”

I widen my eyes a little in disbelief.

“Xena?”

“That’s right. Well, it was pretty obvious that their connection transcended death, but I didn’t think my mother would use her ethereal time to set up little schemes and gossip about the things that happen in the forests out there.”

“That explains the fact that Gabrielle often looks at random points in “nowhere”. And we thought she was not okay.” I say “Wait a minute, Xena knows about EVERYTHING that happened in the forest???”  I ask blushing slightly.

Eve shrugs and smiles.

“Is there something that happened out there you want to hide?”

“I don’t think I could even if I tried. Eve… We… I… I need to say something, something that might touch a wound, but I feel like if I don’t talk about it now… You said you never asked me for forgiveness because you didn’t think you were worthy of it and you didn’t have the right to make me need to consider forgiving you. I just wanted to say that… All the times you took care of me out there, even though I was horrible to you, say as much as an apology. And for what it’s worth, I forgive you. I hope you can forgive me too, and most importantly, forgive yourself. None of us are the same people we were in the past; I understand that now.”

“Thank you” she says with a sad smile. A single tear runs down the corner of her eye. “During the time I spent with Xena and Gabrielle, I learned a lot. They used to say a phrase that always made me think: “It’s easier to believe in yourself after someone else has believed in you first”. I don’t know if I’ll ever have true peace for the things I’ve done, only time will tell. In the meantime, I’ll keep doing my best to change reality for the better, like Xena. But… It’s good to feel something other than regret and sorrow.”

“Xena had an advantage.”

“A chakram?” she asks, laughing and wiping away a tear.

“A stubborn Amazon next to her.”  We laugh for a moment. I gather my courage and hold her hand, intertwining my fingers with hers. “Would you like me to balance things in your favor?”

“I have to think about it” Eve says, pretending to be deadly serious “I told you I didn’t want to be an Amazon Queen. But maybe a queen consort is doable.” She says, punching me lightly on the arm.

“I can’t guarantee that. Gabrielle is much better at this job than I am.”

“You’re very good at a lot of things too.” I smile and bring my hand to her face, removing a strand of hair that insisted on falling, but my hand stays there for longer than necessary. I gently pull her into a kiss and feel her surrender to the moment. It’s different from the first one, it doesn’t have the same urge or the same feeling of fear. It’s deep, and it’s serene. It’s full of promises, but full of answers. It’s like a calm day, inside a hurricane. But it’s soon interrupted. Giggling voices shout in unison.

-Varia and Eve, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

A group of children finish singing and run away.

“I think we’re about to be the talk of the village” Eve says, laughing.

—

I walk to Gabrielle’s hut, announce my presence, and enter.

“Queen Gabrielle…”

“Varia, please just call me Gabrielle. That’s not necessary” she says a little impatiently.

“Okay, I’m sorry. Gabrielle, we have a problem.”

Gabrielle looks at the side and laughs.

“If one problem was all we had, everything would be solved so easily.” she says after a few seconds. I have the impression that she just repeated a sentence she had just heard. Instinctively I look to the side, but I know that seeing Xena is something reserved only for Xena’s soulmate. “But tell me.”

“Eve.”

“Is Eve a problem?”

“Eve wants to give me her rite of caste.”

Gabrielle raises an eyebrow.

“Is that what you young people have been calling it lately?”

“What…” I frown in confusion; I only understand when I notice she’s smirking, clearly mocking me “No! Gabrielle!”

She laughs, looking at a scroll for a few seconds, taking her time as if pondering what I had said.

“Well, the rite of caste is hers, and she can give it up at any time. That’s how I received mine, although the Amazon who gave it to me did so while she was dying.”

“But you are the Queen now! You are just and wise, and you will lead the Amazon Nation to ascension!”

“The rite of caste makes you legitimately my successor, Varia. It formalizes something that was already happening. Marga would have passed it on to you, if she hadn’t died first. If you receive it now, you will only have something that was already be yours in theory.”

“But you don’t need a successor! You are very young and will live for many years.”

“You know I’ve stopped counting? But I can assure you that I am over 50…”  she says laughing at the atypical comment. Nothing was very “common” when it came to Gabrielle’s life. “But yes, I do need a successor”.

I am confused for a few minutes and wait for her to continue.

“There is something I need to do, which will involve a long journey.” Gabrielle looks over my shoulder and smiles softly  “I understand that you thought I would stay here longer. I love the Amazon nation. I always will and I will always do anything for it. But…”

“But you also love Xena”  I finish the sentence, understanding what it was about.

“I think you understand now, don’t you?”

I nod. She continues.

“Something new has come up. A possibility. A chance that I can’t miss. But I will have to go back to the East. It will be a long and painful journey, which I need to take alone.”

“Except that you won’t be alone.” I observe.

“Eve told you, didn’t she?” I nod “She said that Marga sent word that she loves you very much and is proud of who you have become.”

My eyes fill with tears.

“Varia, I was hard on you, and you know it was necessary. But today you are the right person to take care of the Nation. You’ll have help, I’m sure. I can’t think of a more unusual pair, but at the same time, more suited to the task.”

“I’m afraid.”

“It would be strange if you weren’t. When you risk your heart, whether for your life companion or for your tribe, fear is a natural reaction. I’ve always been afraid. Xena has always been afraid. It’s the price you pay for love.”

“Do you think that’s what it’s about?” she raises an eyebrow “Do you think that’s what she feels for me? I mean… I-I asked. She said she wanted to punch me for asking. She never said it like that, with words. I-I… I don’t know much about… these things.”

“Varia, I swear to you, for a minute you reminded me a lot of an old friend of mine. Except that he was a man, and he wore a pointy hat.”  she laughs, amused by my clumsiness. “You can rip out the enemy’s heart while it’s still beating, but you don’t know what to do when you win someone’s heart?”

“She’s had countless people in the past. I’ve…never…. What if I ruin everything?”

“Livia has had countless people. Eve has never had anyone” she says and smiles a little wistfully. “I understand you, Varia. I’ve been in your shoes, and the feeling was like looking into the deepest ocean, hypnotized by the water, but terrified of not being able to swim.”

“How did you deal with that?”

“I trusted the water and let it carry me away.” She smiles, looking to the side. “Look, I have something for you two. It’s a scroll I wrote last night. It says a lot about me and Xena, but she suggested it would be a good gift for you two. Open it only after I leave, okay?”

I nod.

“Go. I need to talk to Eris now. We need to prepare for your coronation.”

—–

The mask Gabrielle had given me and the necklace she had tied around my neck had a weight that went far beyond the physical. I had been in this situation before, but this was completely different. Now was a chance that I would not ruin with my ego. That Varia had lost everything, so that this one could find herself again. I truly felt the purpose of making the Amazon Nation rise again. I knew that a life of hard work awaited me to build what had been destroyed in the past. But Eve was by my side, smiling with pride, just as Xena had been by Gabrielle’s side, smiling proudly every time she had to assume her position as queen. I held her hand and our hands rose together, shouting to the tribe.

“For a strong Amazon Nation!”

“For a strong Amazon Nation!”

Epilogue

I open my eyes, not in shock, but calmly and unhurriedly. Lying on my stomach, I feel the soft fur lining my bed. No longer the hard floor of a cave or a hospital cot, but a place of comfort. A beam of light enters through a crack in the window, announcing that a new day of intense work is beginning outside. I savor the sensation that Eve’s naked body partially covering my own gives me, and delight for a few seconds in the memories of the previous night.

I see the scroll Gabrielle gave us, still closed on the bedside table and I stretch out my arm to reach it, the movement is enough for Eve to wake up. She rolls over to my side and buries her face in my neck.

“Good morning, Amazon Queen” she mumbles lazily, snuggling up to me. I confess that the temptation to stay there for a few hours is huge, but I cannot fail in my duties as Queen on the first day.

“Good morning, my hero. What do you say we open Gabrielle’s gift and then we will have a breakfast of champions?”

“I’m fine here. – She mumbles against my neck, laughing “But that’s okay, duty calls.”

We sit on the bed, wrapped in linen sheets and I wrap my arms around her, waiting. Eve takes the scroll from my hands and unties it.

*I am not the first person you loved.

You are not the first person I looked at

with a mouthful of forevers. We

have both known loss like the sharp edges

of a knife. We have both lived with lips

more scar tissue than skin. Our love came

unannounced in the middle of the night.

Our love came when we’d given up

on asking love to come. I think

that has to be part

of its miracle.

This is how we heal.

I will kiss you like forgiveness. You

will hold me like I’m hope. Our arms

will bandage and we will press promises

between us like flowers in a book.

I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat

on your skin. I will write novels to the scar

of your nose. I will write a dictionary

of all the words I have used trying

to describe the way it feels to have finally,

finally found you.

And I will not be afraid

of your scars.

I know sometimes

it’s still hard to let me see you

in all your cracked perfection,

but please know:

whether it’s the days you burn

more brilliant than the sun

or the nights you collapse into my lap

your body broken into a thousand questions,

you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

I will love you when you are a still day.

I will love you when you are a hurricane.

To Eve and Varia.

*This is a poem called A Mouthful of Forevers, by Clementine Von Radics.